Is There A Hallmark card section for "sorry my kid pooped on you at church?"

There were a few times in the past 72 hours when I just wanted to lay in my bed with lots of blankets and have someone hook up the Oreo IV. One of those times was on Sunday when right after the last AMEN was said from Sacrament meeting we all stood up to make the switch to the next meeting. Baby Ruby had just eating and I was like, "whoa this is perfect she is full and happy and can sit easily with Frank while I go and sit with my primary class." Frank took the baby and was standing with her while we all got out of the pew and then like a stealthy ninja Ruby vomits all down Frank's arm and back of his suit jacket. She didn't even cough first the little trickster! Then as people are pointing it out to Frank and myself I see it simultaneously and grab the baby from him while at the same time she vomits again forming a pool of previously stomached milk on the carpeted floor next to our pew.

We literally go to church with the most kind and thoughtful people EVER so I had a swarm of women who came rushing over to help and check to see if there was something they could do. I was mopping up Frank's arm and back and the baby and then trying to get the floor as clean-ish as I could with a swaddle blanket when my friend comes around the corner with a wet towel. How she found a real towel in a church full of paper towel dispensers I will never know, but here she came to save my bacon. This is one of those times in life when you feel like everyone in the planet has seen the gross thing your kid just did (all over the carpet at church) and your totally in the moment of dealing with the immediate need of that and then you look up and your like oh yeah I have been terrified this would happen and it finally did. Then when I realized the amount of eyes I felt like were on me and my vomit crime scene we slowly backed out of the chapel to do a wardrobe change in the foyer. I promise you my friends I will help others like you always help me! I will start carrying towels in my trunk to be as magically helpful as the friends and neighbors I go to church with! 

All vomited items were placed in a garbage sack along with Frank's soon to be dry cleaned suit jacket and we proceeded as planned with the next 2 hours of church. Now fast forward to the end of the 3rd hour. I am sitting in a very sweet Sunbeam class and enjoying listening to another friend of mine teaching the lesson and waiting my turn to do the activity I had prepared. When my friend says, "Ok Kamarah go ahead with the activity. I can hold Ruby for you." (Frank had to talk in the 3rd hour meeting or the baby would have been with him). So the cute Sunbeams (4 year old's including my own son) are doing their activity with me when my friend says very politely, "Kamarah, Ruby is leaking." Leaking was really a very generous word for "your baby just pooped and it came out both sides of the diaper and is all over my cute skirt." Mortified....soooo embarrassed....pass the Oreos. Then a thorough wet wipe scrubbing followed and we are now looking for just the right card to express our sincerity in our apology of "sorry my kid pooped on you at church."

The moral of this story is still to be determined. Maybe it could be:

(1). Wrap Ruby in a dozen blankets or so when she is taking antibiotics.

(2). Now that one of my current worst fears of Ruby puking during a Sacrament meeting feed has happened I can live life with unabashed fervor knowing I have amazing friends and fairly absorbent swaddle blankets.

(3). I will be the kind of person I am surrounded by in my neighborhood and count this as one more experience to push me into being a helper instead of a judger when the moment of decision arrives for me.